It is 0645 and my micro-wave has decided to go on vacation. Put a cup of water in it to heat and nothing. Zero. No zap. No nada. Nuttin’. Everything seemed to work but wonder upon wonder the water she did not boil. What is this, I thought to myself, surely I put the cup in the machine wrong. So, I put it back in there again.

Nothing, my friends. I put in a cup of cold water and got back a cup of cold water.

This is incredibly depressing I think. Cold water in and cold water out. But, I wonder to myself if perhaps I’ve got something which is patentable. Perhaps I can make some money on a micro that doesn’t heat. But, no, I checked with some friends and and they all said no. They said you can leave it at the curb and someone will carry it away in less than 15 minutes, but, you know, its my microwave. It’s been a part of my family for at least 9 years now.

Can you imagine getting rid of an Aunt Tess who has lived in your home for 9 years growing more feeble, more constipated, more irritating day-by-day? Well, actually I could think of getting rid of an Aunt Tess if I had one, or even an Uncle that wants to watch Mary Tyler Moore reruns all night long. Surely, I think, there must be some way to right this electronic wrong I am facing.

Have I not been nice to Microwave?

Yes. I clean it with only soft cotton towels and non-harsh detergents. I am careful with the buttons, you know, not slamming them like I am a drunken bull fighter yelling at the poor thing shouting, “HEAT. HEAT DAMN YOU.”

No, I am gentle, like I would be with a cat that has just come out of the litter box with something stuck to its foot.

But I digress.

I am in mourning here. Can you not sense the pain. Oh, the horror and the shame of it all. I am the only one in the neighborhood who is microwave-less this morning.

I rip my shirt and shake my fist at the sky. Why? Why? Why isn’t my microwave working today. It worked yesterday, but not today. How can that be? What logic is this? I look for Poor Yorik’s skull so I can have someone to speak with. After all, I gave it a home and was nice to it. I even had a warranty package on it for the last 9 years. Who else would do such a thing to carry a warranty package on a thing with the warranty costing more than a replacement microwave. Can you not see how dedicated I have been to this damn machine and then, to add insult to injury, I go get the warranty and it expired five days ago.

Where is the damn hammer!

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