WONDERING

I’m wondering at 46 minutes past midnight. I’m wondering about me and you and everyone else out there. I wonder about what I say and how I say it. I wonder about the anger that lives within me left there by the pain of trauma that you don’t know and the war, there is always the war, how about you? and the missed chances in life to be better than I am in everything and anything. It is not so much to be introspective but to realize that there are plenty of errors in one’s life is painful. I wonder if you do that, if anyone does that. I wonder if it matters. I wish I had been a Golden Gloves Boxer just for the hell of it, a ballet dancer in my youth so a female neighbor friend could have stared in Nutcracker (she had to get a boy to play the prince and she had asked me and I politely declined… me a ballet dancer? really? yet I did dance in a ballet company when I did theater as an adult to help with an injury to my back) and then there was the war…how many of us wish we had gone back. I loved the smell of war. I regret that I didn’t go back but was surprised by the hatred here for all of us that went. Nothing like coming home and finding you are looked upon not as a veteran but as a criminal. I loved the smell of war. Does that surprise you? I loved to fight as a youth. I loved to even taste the blood in my mouth and to dish it out as I got it and yet I feared hurting another. How about you? I wonder what ever happened to the first girl I kissed, or the Tom Boy that lived on my block and who would fight and kick and throw rocks with the rest of us and I wonder if she grew up and became the beautiful woman I hoped she’d be.  I wonder about the girl who had polio and had paralyzed legs. Did she ever learn how to dance? And I wonder about you. How about you? I wonder. How about you? Do you ever wonder? Does it matter if we wonder?

 

6 thoughts on “WONDERING

  1. I ponder these types of things all the time. It doesn’t really seem like many other people do though. I guess it takes a deep thinker and nowadays people don’t have time for deep thinking. They are too busy trying to fit everything else in. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It gave me something to think about since I can’t sleep. 😉

  2. I would say that most of us who are writers of stories, events in our lives, or poetry– we are surely wonderers. But rather than just dwell on the past of “what could have been”, it’s more comforting to jot it down in words– than move forward with our wondering on what to do next. Good luck with your book. Don’t rush it just to finish it. (We all can’t wait for a work to be done.) Somewhere along the line you’ll reach a satisfying point to call “The End.” And move on to the next challenge. Peace, brother.

    1. Good comment. Good reasoning. As for the book I am writing (one of several) I have three years in this one and will be most happy to finish it. I cannot hurry it, even though I wish I could, because it is simply too complex. It took me well past the first year and into the second to come to realize the book could not be separated into two books. Then one of the prosecuting attorneys told me, “You don’t have one book here, you have five.” But there is no way really to separate them into two, three, or up to five even though she was correct. The book spins round and round with all the personalities and the horror of the crimes. The two counties (Sarasota and Manatee) are connected by the actions of one man who committed horrific acts in both. My date for completion is June. I need to be done by June. It is a hard fight through thousands of pages of testimony, depositions, research, and interviews. In the end…..I just want it to be right. I want it to be read. I want it to be remembered. I want the cops that have been waiting expecting me to do this in six months to then realize how painful this journey was and to simply walk up and say to me, “good job.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s